Why "THE ENCHANTED SELF"
We have known that in any state of enchantment there is some
degree of magic and the unknown: the
Many scientists of human behaviors recognize that we do not
yet and perhaps never can fully understand human nature. I have become more and
more convinced that we do not. For example, what interests me is that we do not fully understand pathology in our science
of psychology while we have not tried hard enough to recognize and understand
what I call enhanced ego-states, or happiness.
When I first began to analyze data from the women I
interviewed, I kept trying to understand how their enhanced adult lives evolved
from the childhoods they talked about. I found that although there seemed to be
some clear connections, many others were not clear at all. This mystery further
influenced my choice of THE ENCHANTED SELF as a term to express these positive ego-states.
The capacities of these women to reclaim positive aspects of
their childhood while discarding the dysfunction that was often also present
was astounding to me. It seemed as if a magic wand had been tapped on the
women's heads in their adult lives. I say this because many of the women w ere
not naturally introspective. They did not seem to be aware that they had been
able to reach into positive aspects of their childhoods to realize their adult
dreams and to live vital lives much of the time. For example, Sally had grown
up in a cold, dysfunctional household. She had promised herself that as an
adult, she would do things very differently from her parents. Her mother was a
busy business woman who was cold and distant, while her father was extremely
engaging to strangers but quiet and removed at home. In childhood, Sally was
able to find her ENCHANTED SELF through her grandparents. As she got older, she
would go back to their home after school, where she was nurtured with milk and
cookies and allowed to watch television in a happy, comfortable environment
until she had to go to her home.
Sally talked lovingly of her visits with her grandparents.
With pleasure she mentioned being with them, and when she was left alone there
she would "dance with a doorknob" as she rocked and rolled to a
teenage show that she watched on TV every afternoon. She often felt let down
when it was time to return to her own home.
In adulthood, Sally no longer "danced with a
doorknob," but she found ways to honor her pledge to create a more
meaningful and warm family life for her own children. Her children are
adolescents now and feel free to bring their friends to spend time at her home.
She doesn't push them away as she had been pushed away. Rather, she enjoys
watching TV, playing games and talking and sharing with them as well as with
their friends. On Saturday and Sunday mornings, she lies on the bed with them,
laughing and gossiping. The capacity in her adult life to spend this joyful
time with her teenagers overcomes the isolation she felt in childhood. Sally
integrates the warmth and spunk of the times she spent at her grandparents into
her adult ego. For Sally, there is no need to analyze this situation. She
simply feels pleasure in having corrected the damaging childhood she'd
experienced.
It's hard to say exactly when these states become
internalized as THE ENCHANTED SELF. More than likely, this will vary from
person to person and is highly dependent on variations in cognitive
development, particularly in memory. However, even for those people who have
had less than adequate parenting, there are moments when children feel good
about themselves: the baby is elated as she takes her first steps,
the toddler feels joy as she rides a tricycle 20 feet down the driveway. Children
are excited the day they first earn their own money for small jobs, the day
they save a kitten from a tree and return it to its grateful owner, the day
they successfully down the bully on the playground.
Of course, as one acquires more language, one may hold onto
these positive moments and remember them. Also, the capacity for a sense of
well-being has been experienced and, can be tapped into again in adulthood.
This capacity to draw from positive memories seems especially magical when we
realize that most people's moments of pure childhood joy have been surrounded
by dysfunction.
I hope you will take some time to think about the magical
qualities of the human mind to sort and reclaim the positive in our
experiences. Rather than throwing out
the baby with the bathwater, look for the golden moments in your own
childhood-when you felt strong, powerful, happy, elated or perhaps full of
potential. Honor them by recalling them,
telling them to your children, or others and maybe
finding ways to go back to them again!
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I hope you enjoyed my explanation of THE ENCHANTED SELF. The above comes from my first book, THE ENCHANTED SELF, A Positive Therapy, which can be purchased from Amazon or directly from me. I have many case studies in the book as well as lots of activities so that you can go on your own personal journey of enchantment as you read chapter by chapter. This book makes a great present for yourself or a friend.
— © Dr. Barbara Becker
In private practice since 1981, Dr. Barbara
Becker
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