Glenna Heller

My birthday.

One of my most memorable gifts I ever received was for my 8^th birthday. Mom and Pop must have been very poor, and very preoccupied. They had forgotten. At the end of the day, I realized that there was going to be no acknowledgment, and I was crushed. I choked back tears as I reminded them. They feigned a trip to the drug store, the only store open at that hour. They brought home a jewelry case. Well, no. Actually, it was a plastic box. Clear plastic, divided into 3 sections. The lid was rounded. It had stars molded into the plastic on top. It wasn't much. I had hoped for one of Mom's wonderful dinners and a chocolate cake with walnuts on top. I kept that plastic case well into my teens and beyond. Why? What did it represent? I felt - then - so unwanted. But now, I feel so released. Now, I love the effort they made that night. Now, the gift represents an ability I have to forgive.

It's too bad what I did over the following 20 years with incidents such as the forgotten birthday. My sharing this with a friend yesterday shifted to a discussion of the abuse I'd taken in relationships with men. I taught myself to expect very little in life - that plastic boxes were okay in lieu of the meal, birthday candles and the song. From Brian, it was okay to be pushed aside at a party, or to be told that he had chosen someone else for our trip. Why didn't I say "No" to being with him after that? Because I thought my way was wrong. I thought I should be able to handle the emotional trauma so that it was transformed to modern-day freedom. I thought that accepting the crumbs was the path to unconditional love. When being valued was a possibility, I chose to be dumped. I'm not beating myself up. I am amazed that I had never been taught. Until Joy Hart in 1990, I don't recall anyone telling me the following: You are the keeper of the Light; You are the Holy Kingdom they all talk about; you embody infinite possibility; you are that Holy Son of God; Jesus is the way FOR YOU, and has done this before you, and he didn't die for you, He lives FOR YOU so you might have someone to follow. I never heard, "Don't caste your pearls before swine." But I hear it now. My whole life has brought me here, to this point. I am grateful.

It's that gift I have for others in my life. I bring it first to my daughter and grandchild. Not to build their egos, but to assure them of their value every instant for as long as God grants us the ability to communicate.

By sharing this, it's that Birthday Gift that I accept for myself now.

© Glenna Heller

February 7, 2000