Glenna Heller

Kauai completed me. I mean to say I found my Self in the land, on the trade winds and through the sea. Yet I was not at peace. I had written a poem years before about the same subject in California.

I left Kauai, my A’ina, in search of the Promised Land. Actually, that was the topic of another story: Promised Land…with a joke hidden deep within. That was before the popular television series with the same message.

I had been joyously content for the years that I lived on the island. Content, that is, but for this nagging voice stating incessantly that I should be doing something meaningful with my life. I should be making a difference somehow. Going for it, whatever "it" was. I should pursue…fly…go…do…take the bull by the horns…make it happen…create…excel and achieve. Why? So I can be successful. So I can be wealthy. So I can be creative. So I can be better. Maybe just so I can be.

I moved from my island so I could learn to soar. I wanted to be important, move people and make huge differences in the world through my writing. When I got a call with a job offer from a highly successful author in Colorado, I thought, "Here, finally, is my chance for glory!"

Without hesitation, "YES!" And in a brief month, I was standing face to face in one of the most debilitating, humiliating, devastating and painful situations in my life, faced off with a crazy woman whose only purpose in performing a series of evil acts appeared to be my demise. I spent the next year and a half attempting to make sense of that move. Except for learning something about forgiveness, I found nothing of value in any of it. Until recently. Some lessons come hard.

The joke is still the same, realized then, and once again, today. There is no promised land out there. There is a promised land, and it is found inwardly. To look elsewhere and to take action out of that search is a mistake in thinking that could have grave consequences.

I learned to leave purposeful events to God. It’s His job to transform my life to something of purpose, based on his vision; certainly not mine. I’ll make myself available, and do the job before me. Chasing the eagles, attempting to fly with them, is a form of resistance to who I am in this moment. Chasing the eagles is a rejection of the peace in my experience now. Moreover, chasing will most certainly negate or have me overlook whatever He has in mind for me. My idea of success has changed so. A successful life is a peaceful one.

© Glenna Heller

February 17, 2000