Glenna Heller

The path to successful relationship is easy. And it's the very path I resisted all my life, wishing it could be another way. So it is that my resistance made relationship hard. The secret is really no secret at all, but something so basically decent, and such an ingrained part of our nature as humans that it is overlooked, I think. Some people not only know the secret, but practice it right out of the gate.

Such is the case with Kurt and Ninette. I rent my lovely little cabin in the Santa Cruz Mountains from them. We share the same 5-acre parcel, but live in separate domains. I am blessed when they share their union with me, and I'm clear that they receive the blessing too. That is the secret, after all: Extension.

Living here, so close to California's Silicon Valley, millionaires explode like popcorn in a hot popper. We've all caught the investment bug and, for some of us, investment strategies become another lesson in relating. Kurt and Ninette had a heavenly breakthrough in relating as their research into the stock market progressed.

Last week, Kurt spent several days uncovering his winner. He cashed out some of his bonds that had matured and gave the funds to Ninette to secure his stock. Ninette took the funds to deposit on account with the broker, but she hesitated. Paying close attention to her gut feelings, she began to doubt Kurt's choice. She told Kurt that she was having these feelings and he responded: If she was questioning the investment, then she should not make the buy. The reason, he explained, was not because he doubted his research. No. He felt strongly that he was correct. However, he explained, he would rather endure the loss of money than Ninette's anger in the event that the stock took a dip. It wasn't worth the pain of separation that her anger could ignite.

If this story was about investments, the end would be this: Kurt's stock hit, and hit big. The potential profit on his initial investment would have been many hundreds of percentage points, with a further boon - a promise of a stock split within 30 days. But the story is not about investments. It's about relationship.

Ninette, who never gets ill, made herself ill and had to leave work with the news of the stock peak. Her tiny-framed body writhed in agony of guilt and unforgiveness, producing horrid flu-like symptoms. Thus, in an uncomfortable twist of circumstance, Ninette had the opportunity to endure the unforgiveness that she might have caste upon Kurt had it been his error. This was the same pain of separation he successfully attempted to avoid. She realized that the only way to undo the pain was through forgiveness. In all her glory, with all her courage, she brought this admission to Kurt - not for the loss of the funds, though she certainly felt bad about that also. But for her lack of forgiveness for his errors in life. Together, they forgave each other and have a richer, fuller life because of it.

They are ready to use his funds to come to another stock choice. I'm confident it will hit again. After all, how is it possible to lose when they've already won?

Epilogue: A relationship held as exclusive - love kept within the partnership and never extended outside that union - will eventually close in on itself and "kill" its participants emotionally, psychologically and sometimes literally. Certainly, it will destroy the partnership that the exclusivity was designed to protect.

On the other hand, if love is shared, if it's delivered outside the partnership as a gift to others for the purpose of extending the wisdom and the love, the partnership is blessed. It carries the grace of God.

It's so very easy to share with others when we look good, when we emerge the heroine, when we look right, and the other guy looks wrong, when we look virtuous, kind and proper. I want to acknowledge Ninette. I asked her if I could share this with you and, without the slightest hesitation, she shouted, "Yes!" Her commitment to extending the love in her relationship with Kurt far exceeds these worldly desires. I admire her courage and her goodness.

© Glenna Heller

February 23, 2000