ActiveMimeðÿÿÿÿ0 ð 9ðÀF‹³¤ à€éZà€éZà€éZP2F06.htm - edit 1#ÊÜ#ÊÜ#ÊÜ `&theresa@janhoo.comÿ?þBª Çè… e$¦Ô I Ó‘JŽêMP¹(têÄu øÈÝ0Ptheresa@janhoo.com (theresa@janhoo.com)0&theresa@janhoo.com0 SMTPþ9 ÿ_ý_ö_Ptheresa@janhoo.com (theresa@janhoo.com)÷_?þBª Çè… e$¦Ô I Ó‘JŽêMP¹(têÄu øÈÝ°6Hi Rebecca! First of all, great job on continuing your story! :) You did a good job at creating the mood walking down into the prison cells and I like the twist of Jonathon Fisher losing his memory. I did quite a few technical edits on this one for punctuation, sentence structure, etc, but I tried to stay true to your story and what you were trying to say. As we keep going with new chapters, I'd like to have you write them first. Leave them alone for a day or two, and then go back to edit for spelling, punctuation, etc. I think you're really smart and know you'll do a good job at that. It's really important that you write the stuff first, though. Then leave it alone. And then come back to it. Otherwise it's too easy to lose your story because you're worried about spelling or punctuation, etc. So rule of thumb for writing: 1. Write. 2. Walk away. 3. Come back and edit. I have a few more rules for writing I'd like to share with you that will help you both with your story and in the future. One is try to use different words for the same thing and never use the same descriptive word twice in one paragraph. The comptuer's thesaurus is an awesome tool for this. Just highlight the repeated word and right click on the Thesauarus button and presto! You've got new options. If you compare your original with what I edited, you'll notice I took out a lot the "damps." What other words can we use for damp? Clammy, wet, moist, dank, mildewy, etc... It gives it a little more color and makes for a better flowing read. Another thing to keep in mind when you write, is that even though you are writing fiction, you need to keep it believable and use the facts to create your imaginary story. One of the things I noticed was that you had water flowing into the cell but you were in a desert. If you've ever been to the desert, you can look high and low but you won't find water in sight. However, there are what they call inverted streams, water flowing under the dirt, or ground water. So we needed to figure out a way to make the water flowing into the cell more believable for your desert enviornment. That's where doing a little research can help build a stronger story for you. You don't have to cite all your research but in the back of your mind, you'll know more about what you're writing and it will come out naturally in the story. I liked your description of the cells smelling like Captain Porter's armpits but we needed to update a few things. Military captains in the desert don't forget to shower. If you're in the military, in the desert, in a war, you DON'T get to shower for weeks at a time. Sometimes months. So the smell description was good but I omitted "forgetting to" to make it more believable. (Also, remember that for SFPNN we don't put violent or graphic descriptions on our website so rotting dead people was out. If you want to keep a copy of that for YOUR version, feel free to.) Uncle Mark had a very good suggestion to help you with the technical details of the military involvement of your story. Ask your English Teacher is she can help you find an e-mail buddy or pen-pal in the military! You might even be able to get in touch with some of the troops in Afghanistan or Iraq. You can ask them questions about what it's like to be in the military and what some of the obstacles they encounter are. That will give you fuel for Devin's adventures and mishaps. Oh, one other thing on making fiction more believable... Your characters have to stay true to themselves. You're doing really good with keeping Devin's goofy premonitions running through out the story. You've also kept a good balance of him wanting to be brave, but not always living up to it. The dialogue between characters sometimes loses integrity though. (Remember Ashley Buttcheeks! Ha, ha, ha.) And that takes away from the believability of your story. Part of this is simply your age and what you've experienced or not experienced yet in your life. A way to help you figure out what Devin and Diana might say to each other would be to think of them more as Auntie Tracy's and Uncle Mike's age than yours or Ashley's age. You've actually been doing pretty good at that, but there's a few things put in for humor's sake that were more geared toward an 8-12 year old than the 17 year old military recruit's humor. If your characters followed the 8-12 year humor and characteristics through-out the story that would be fine but you've made them act older than that so we want to keep them acting older. Does that make sense? With all that in mind, I edited the part about Jonathan telling them his name. It's more believable that he would have a short name, like "Shut-up," than "Shut up you butt-head I'm trying to sleep." It's still funny, really funny. But it's more believable. One last thing about editing and keeping the story's integrity. Make sure you don't switch "person." Meaning keep it in first person, Devin is telling the story so you'll always want him to describe himself and the events as if you were saying them. " I did this, we did that, etc." Don't switch to third person, meaning you're describing it from outside of the story as if you were watching it instead of participating in it. "Devin and Diana turned around to walk.." By the way, your line about the beetle crunching under Devin's boot and the water running in the cell could be great foreshadowing for an upcoming event or struggle. The beetles could be poisonous or maybe they know a way out. Or maybe they'll invade the dungeon or something like that. Where does the water come from? Is it safe to drink? Could they use it for anything? Could the water be tainted and the reason Johnathon lost his memory? If it is tainted, what would happen if Devin or Diana drank it, or if they gave it to the guards? These are just some things I thought of. I bet you could think of a lot more if you wanted to! And NO, you don't have to use the beetle or the water any more than what you have already but do realize they could come in handy later if needed. I know I always write a lot about what you send me Rebecca. I do so because I think you're writing a fantastic story and I really want to help you get it published. I have a pretty good idea of what publishers respect and what drives them nuts so I'm trying to pass that knowledge along to you because I think you are very talented. I know it's hard to see someone change your work when it's being edited, but that's what editors and publishers do. And if you can be open to that and willing to learn as you go, you're going to have a much better shot at getting published. Follow the story you hear and see in your mind, but be open to the editing if you need to and you'll do great! As always, read this version over and let me know what you think. Lots of Love and Respect, Auntie Jeanette ð4Vx