TheChristmas TreeChronicles


‘You’ll nair get shed of old drunkards,

I’ll tell you the reason why—

There’s two old drunkards get theirselves born

For air old drunkard to die.’ 
– from The Voice Of The Mountain, a Silver John novel by Manly Wade Wellman.

We were relaxing at the beach, never mind witch one.  It was just your normal everyday type of beach.  Y’know the kind of beach with sand all over the place.  Well, some sand on the beach but most of it always seemed to get inside your suit.  Danger was in the air.  Youse could practically taste it if it weren’t for the sand in your mouth.  Danger for sure since the we I was referring to hat become just the I.  Winnie, Harley and C.Tree hat vanished.  The scream of several outraged females shattered the calm sea air.  A boat load  of the same roaring female voices sailed upon the airy sea again and Winnie, Harley and C.Tree hat un-vanished.  I knew it was time to make a fast getway…

‘Well, Winnie, Harley and C.Tree,’ I said as we sat in a Nearyou. ‘You have gotten us banned from another beach.  At the rate you are going we will run out of beaches within the next couple of weeks witch is long before Winnie will run out of her cold wet nose.  You woulda thunk that that natural election stuff you here about woulda kicked in by now.  Yup, you’d think that women woulda become Winnie nose proof.  Natural election is taking too long and that’s the truth.’ Another female scream told me that Winnie was not with us anymore…

I sat forlornly at home while I considered the situation.  The situation stared back at me without the least consideration.  Winnie, Harley and C.Tree hat vamoosed again just as soon as the breaks on the car stopped smoking.  I got up and looked out the window and realized the wheels hatn’t stopped smoking after all.  I yelled at the tires then, ‘smoking is bad for your health y’know!’  Stupid tires ignored me.

I spun around and down as Winnie, Harley and C.Tree rushed through the door and over me. ‘Ouch,’ I complained, ‘what’s the rush?  Whaddayamean C.Tree has been invited to her first lumber party?  What’s a lumber party?  It’s a party of a branch of C.Tree’s branch plus some friends.  Well, wouldn’t it be better if it were a full tree?’ A couple of sharp pine cones later made pointed cases for not making anymore inquiries.  Instead, I stated a few very vocal ouches and left to try to remove the pine cones from my body.

‘I thought you’d be holding this lumber party somewhere else and isn’t that a rather strange looking walnut tree,’ I hollered across the room in witch an entire forest seemed to have planted itself.  I attempted to cross that same room but kept getting needled every with every step I took.  Winnie and Harley didn’t have the same problem.  They made random appearances and before I could stop them they would disappear into the forest of green again.  Finally, I yelled, ‘C.Tree, you have to hold this party elsewhere.’ The wild branched walnut tree hove into sight followed by a large pine cone.  A large pine cone that was rapidly flying toward me.  A very large rapidly flying cone that suddenly sprouted bees.  Very angry looking bees…

‘This is terrible, horrible.’ I exclaimed.  ‘What are you two complaining about?  You left your cheese inside.  Hah, we have more angry bees and nutty trees inside than you can shake a stick at and all you’re worried about is your stupid cheese!  Okay,’ I said in a hollering sort of way. ‘When do you think those bees and trees are going to leave?  Whaddayamean maybe Tom R Oh, maybe several Tom R Ohs.  Isn’t one Tom R Oh more than enough?  And whaddayamean the lumber party might last for days?…’